Goatview Farm - The Saint Report
www.goatview.com

 

I wanted to copy Rod's picture here, black out his teeth and give him a mustache, but since his website went Flash, I can't do it. Therefore, I'm using the space to talk about other dodos, many bodies of which were recently found on the island of Mauritius (the only place that dodos ever lived).
So where the heck is Mauritius? Off the southeast coast of Africa, east of Madagascar, east of Reunion. I hope I get to go there someday.

January 4
Win $10,000 from The World's Biggest Twit

Note 12/31/2008: This essay was written at least eight years ago and probably nine. Rod Barnett's picture seems to have been updated since he looks considerably older (and, strangely enough, as though he has more hair on his head) and he added Flash to the site. As to his innards, it looks like he's still missing that clue thing. Among other parts.

Disclaimer: The Saint Report tries to take the high ground, forgoing the fleeting pleasure of The Cheap Shot in favor of a kinder, gentler type of humor. However, the subject of the following is such a dodo that only a real saint could resist heaping ridicule and scorn upon his pointy little head.

There is a man in Missouri who has taken the concept of internet personal ads to a new low: he is offering a bounty for a bride. Not even necessarily a bride--if he gets as far as a proposal, and YOU have introduced him to his Beloved, he will pay you a finder's fee of $10,000. This isn't as generous as it might sound at first. As you will see later, $10,000 in his case will be a maximum of $71.43 per pound--less than you would pay for ho-hum wasabe root. And apparently I am not the only one who thinks $10,000 is too little--just a cursory search showed that his billboard on the information superhighway has been up at least since October of 1998. There was even a parody site for a few years...something like "I'll Paint Your House for a Wife." Hey! Just found what is left of it...it was car, not house.

I read about 10Kforawife in The Fort Ogden Links o' the Day and immediately went to the site to learn more. Hey, thought I, I know lots of single women and some of them are probably as desperate and pathetic as this guy and anyway, by having a website at all it proves he has at least $15 a month extra PLUS a Visa debit card. That is considered rich in some circles.

Imagine my shock when Page One finally finished loading and the music started. It was the theme from "Titanic." And the photo.

The horror did not end there. There were pictures of this guy, Rod Barnett, everywhere on the site. And words. Many, many, words (some completely misused, others misspelled, the whole thing spattered with random punctuation marks--it would be sad if the jerk weren't so contemptible): what he thinks of himself, what he thinks other people think of him, what he considers his flaws (missed a few), and, of course, what he is looking for in a woman. Let's hear it from his own fingers:

Physical Appearance:

You should be a very attractive, brunette or blonde.  (for some reason people think I want a blond, I put brunette first.  I don't know where that comes from other than maybe general closure thinking I just want some bimbo.  That will NEVER happen!) NON SMOKER, 24-35, 5'4"- 6', 110-140 lbs.  For example 5'4" -110lbs,  5'8" 130lbs. Etc.    Please respect the fact that I know what type of build I'm attracted to and wish it was not so restricted.   I did not make that perception, it's just what came about within me.   At least I'm being honest with myself and you!*

Now when most women who are 5'4" weigh 110 pounds, they are undergoing chemotherapy, entering the final stages of anorexia, or still growing. Almost none of them ovulate.

Why is it hard to meet Mrs. Right? I like to eat real healthy.

"I like to eat real healthy." To my knowledge, eating "healthy" doesn't generally preclude men from meeting nice women. This man, of course, would be very unlikely to find what he wants anywhere food of any sort is served.

Let’s take a look at society over the last 50 years. We put a man into space on a monthly basis. With the touch of a few buttons on the phone you can have a four-course meal at your doorstep in 30 minutes. We have electronic devices that allow us to communicate from anywhere in the world, yet they still fit in the palm of our hand. We can tell who is calling us before we even pick up the phone -- or maybe choose not to. Yet the method of meeting the right person (which has the potential to affect us more profoundly and for a greater period of time than any other experience in our lives) virtually has NOT changed.  No wonder crime rates among teenagers have sky rocketed in the last 20 years.   Could there be a correlation?

No. (And I say this with what a friend of mine refers to as "the hanging 'YOU IDIOT.'")

I guess you wouldn't want to introduce this guy to anyone you like, but here is an opportunity to offload that bunny-brain you work with, or live next door to, or whatever AND get paid handsomely for doing it. It should be noted, however, that this could be risky:

I want to move to another state at some point.   So don't think that just because I live in MO, we can't meet!

Shudder.

*It has been brought to my attention that the new improved Rod no longer has published weight restrictions in his description of the ideal woman. This is a good thing. He has added a list of female movie stars whom he finds attractive and a list of movie stars who fail to pass muster. This is not a good thing.

Like - Brooke Burk, Kobe Bryant's  wife, Salma Hayek, Halle Berry, Eva Longoria, Nikki Cox, Shania Twain, Vanessa Minnillo,  Mariah Carey, Angelina Jolie, Denise Richards, Terry Hatcher, Jessica Alba, and the Eurasian type

Dont lilke - Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Heidi Klum, Uma Thurman, Nicolette Sheridan, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Rachael Hunter

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Saints celebrating feast days today include Elizabeth Ann Seton (first American-born saint), Gregory of Langres, Pharaildis, and Rigobert of Rheims.

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Birthdays today include Dyan Cannon (1937, Tacoma, Washington). Jane Wyman, born on this day in 1914, just died last September (2007). I double-checked her last year on The Dead People Server, the site that answers the question: Is he/she still alive? It is an invaluable resource that, had I known about soon enough, would have prevented me from writing that posthumous letter to Ruby Keeler.

Ruby Keeler, otherwise known as Ruby Lowe, was buried in Holy Sepulchre Cemetery in Orange County, California. This information came from Find-a-Grave: the postmortem "Where Are They Now?"

 

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Marilyn Jones 2000-2009