Farm - The Saint Report
True Story of Little Lloyd
I had a pig named Little Lloyd (after a local congressman who had
fallen from favor). He was a big pig in spite of his name. Big and
truculent. His favorite food was chicken, which is another story.
Ah, hell, I may as well tell that one, too.
Little Lloyd was the first pig I bought who wasn't already cut. Meaning
he was still a boar. If you are raising a pig to eat, you do not leave
him a boar because boar meat tastes like a boar smells and if you
haven't grown up eating food that tastes like a boar smells it is
highly unlikely that you will find it tasty. Or even edible. And you
will have about 150 pounds of it. So the thing is, you neuter your
Anyway, I bought Little Lloyd without checking for extra equipment
and being new to the pig business I had to hire someone to fix him.
The guy I hired (well, traded a salmon to) arrived with a friend and
a razor blade. The friend was for holding Little Lloyd's back legs
off the ground, and the razor blade did the rest. I almost fainted
but when Lloyd's feet were returned to terra firma and a dish of food
presented to him, all squealing ended. He began gobbling up his dinner,
giving a critical look to one of the chickens that was running off
with his private parts.
It's hard to imagine that a pig could hold a grudge, but there was
more than one morning I went out to feed the animals and found Little
Lloyd with feathers on his snout, picking his teeth with a chicken
Sooo...Little Lloyd grew and the day came when I had to take him to
the butcher. I borrowed an old truck for the occasion and had a few
friends come over to help me get him loaded. It was two hours of ure
hell. Everyone ended up bleeding except Little Lloyd. He fought like
a tiger. But in the end we prevailed, the tailgate was tied onto the
truck and off I went to drive the thirty miles to the butcher.
At the slaughterhouse, I backed into the unloading ramp and waited
as the boy who was working there came around to ask my name. "I'm
Marilyn Jones, " I said, "I called ahead about this pig."
The boy looked at me blankly. "There ain't no pig, Lady."
Suspecting some strange abatoire humor, I crossly said, "Of course
there's a pig." "Look for yourself, Lady," he said.
"There AIN'T NO PIG."
There was no pig. No pig, no tailgate. Oh God. Hastily I jumped back
into the truck and took off in search of Little Lloyd and the tailgate.
I soon located the latter in the middle of the road about five miles
back and the former in the middle of a freshly plowed field about
six city blocks away (giving you a measurement you can imagine). He
was a mere white dot, kind of bouncing around.
Remembering all too well how difficult it was to get him in the truck
the first time, I felt hopeless about getting him in a second time
without help. But some help arrived. This was a novel sight even in
the country and I was starting to draw a crowd. Oh, what to do! Finally
I decided to try the ridiculously simple first and putting my humiliation
aside screamed at the top of my lungs "LITTLE LLLOOYYYYD."
The little white dot stopped bouncing and started to move in my direction
getting bigger and bigger and when he finally arrived at the truck
he happily allowed four gentlemen to heave him into the back.
He was really happy to see me! He thought we were going home! We weren't.
o' the day include Elizabeth of Portugal (patron saint of Portugal),
Ulric (invoked against difficult birth, dizziness, mice, and moles),
Bertha, Andrew of Crete, and Odo of Canterbury.
today include Stephen Foster (1826), George M. Cohan (1878), Rube
Goldberg (1883), Dear Abby and Ann Landers (1918), Gina Lollobrigida
(1927), and Neil Simon (1927).
Three presidents died on this day; John Adams and Thomas Jefferson
died in 1826 and James Monroe in 1831. Adams and Jefferson had both
been signers of the Declaration of Independence exactly 50 years before
July 4, 1956, 1.23 inches of rain fell in one minute at Unionville,
Maryland, setting a record for most intense rainfall. As far as the
Saint Report can tell, this record still stands.
are many celebrations nationwide today at which it would be pathetically
easy to scoff. While the Saint Report ordinarily strives to do better
than poke fun at others (except, of course Indiana and Michigan, our
designated targets for year-round ridicule), it is a holiday, and
since fireworks and farms do not mix, this is all the fun I am going
to get. I will limit myself to two.
Garden City, Kansas, holds its annual Zoobalee today at their Lee
Richardson Zoo. Five thousand people are expected to participate in
such fun as a 2K run and timed walk, pie eating contest (which could
produce some spectacular entertainment if it were held prior to the
2K run and timed walk), an animal mimic contest (and by this, they
carefully note, they mean mimicking the sound of the animal--makes
you wonder just what those Jayhawkers would do if they weren't supervised),
ethnic foods (in Garden City, Kansas, I suppose that could be another
way of saying spaghetti feed), and a celebrity dunk tank. Who
is a celebrity in Garden City? The UPS guy?
Chaparral Park in Lovington, New Mexico, is the place to be today
if you want to see reptiles run. The annual World's Greatest Lizard
Race, the attendance at which no one is guessing, is only part of
the scaly fun...there are more, and I quote here, "lizard events"
besides the race. And trophies, too! The mind boggles.
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© Marilyn Jones 2000-2008