Goatview Farm - The Saint Report www.goatview.com

March 16
Kill Toby/Save Toby:
Tasteless as Hell and I Just Wish I Had Thought of It First


If the person who thought up savetoby.com really has made a whopping $18,000 by threatening to eat the rabbit, I will be sick. I was one of the people who bought the January 1973 "National Lampoon's" famous Shoot the Dog issue! I still remembered about "Last-Aid!" I could have done the rabbit thing myself if I hadn't thought that 32 years wasn't long enough to wait to steal the idea. Darn it anyway.

And someone has already done the parody route with killtoby.com.

OK. I took the virtual Ferrari out for a spin and came back with this. Whew. He didn't really get $18,000. He DID, however, get some world-class hate mail that should be the envy of every aspiring humor writer. HEY! Speaking of hate mail, I just remembered something I did! This was pre-puter so it was all done with personal ads in a free weekly newspaper called the Queen Anne News or something like that.

I made up a club called Enemies of the Raccoons. It was a parody (sort of--I really did not like raccoons) of a group in Mercer Island, Washington, called Friends of the Raccoons. I am going to go to the files and see if I still have anything...nope...too bad...have to depend on my faulty memory.

Let's see. It was 22 years ago. I was living above Interbay in Seattle on lower Queen Anne Hill. I thought it would be fun to try raising some chickens there. This was a bad idea on several levels, one of which was that Queen Anne, and Washington State in general, was and is teeming with raccoons and raccoons love chickens. As I live-trapped raccoons and had the Game Department come and take them away, I watched on television as the citizens of Mercer Island put out raccoon feeders and actually encouraged the little buggers to come into their yards. They even had a stupid club.

Times seem to have changed there, however. I have found this online:

Q: What can I do about raccoons?

A: These sometimes bothersome critters are not allowed to be trapped except under extraordinary circumstances where there is a serious health or safety issue. However, there are steps you can take to discourage raccoons from your property. Actions you can take to prevent their access to food is the best solution. If the raccoons are entering your home, attic or crawl space, it is recommended to find and repair the source of entry after checking to make sure the raccoon is not inside. Inquires regarding extraordinary circumstances for trapping should be directed to the City Attorney's Office at (206) 236-3571.

I especially like the "after checking to make sure the raccoon is not inside" part. Duh. If you think that raccoons are obnoxious alive, you cannot imagine how much worse they can be dead.

Anyway, back to Enemies of the Raccoons. I ran an ad in that weekly paper that said something like "Hate raccoons? Join Enemies of the Raccoons. Send your raccoon horror stories to Box XXXX, Queen Anne News, yada yada." And did I get mail! But only a couple of people wanted to join. Most of them wanted me dead. Raccoons, it seems, have some very unstable supporters. I recall one of them saying "it's a well-known fact that people who hate raccoons also own guns." This was, I think, an explanation for her having sent an anonymous threat.

Even back then I managed to get more publicity than I wanted. Soon after the hate mail began pouring in, I received a call from a man named Larry Sturholm. He was a well-known Seattle area reporter, famous for his fun stories. My favorite was his piece about a Canada goose who had claimed someone's driveway and garage door as his own. It was attacking anyone who came near, Sturholm included. It was great reporting.

"Are you the person responsible for 'Enemies of the Raccoons?'" he asked.

"How did you get my name??!?" I responded.

"The Queen Anne News gave it to me," he answered.

Holy shit. I'm getting mail from lunatics and they are giving out my name and number to anyone who says he is Larry Sturholm?

I declined the 15 minutes of fame, which I saw as possibly several years on life-support, offered by Mr. Sturholm and called the paper to tell them to NEVER EVER do that again. And to stop the ad while they were at it. It was fun while it lasted, though.

Where did this all start, anyway? Oh, yeah--"buy this magazine or we shoot the dog" and saving Toby. I was about to think of a reason to donate to The Saint Report--something that the humor-impaired might consider extortion. I'll have to think for a few more days. In the meantime, have faith that I will come up with something and click the button anyway.*

*Note: Thanks to Laura R. for sending me the Toby links.

Saint Urho's Day

Noticeably absent from the list of saints o' the day today is Saint Urho. This is because the purely mythical Urho was invented by some people in Minnesota with nothing much to do and then exported to Hood River, Oregon. As the Clay's Corner Possum Drop makes me long for something my town can drop on New Year's Eve, Saint Urho's Day makes me want to give Mason, Texas, its own saint.

St. Urho's Day
March 16, 2005
Hood River, OR, USA
Join the parade and party that starts at high noon, at the heights in Hood River to honor the tongue-in-cheek patron saint who drove the grasshoppers out of the vineyards in Finland. Performers:
Come watch the Changing of the Guards, signifying the season change from winter to spring, as the Knights of St. Urho disrobe and dance the tango with the lovely Iron Maidens to inspiring accordion music! Don't miss the Finnish women's drill team -- such skill with those Black and Deckers! Meet the St. Urho's Queen and her astonishing court. And don't you dare miss Hood River's St. Urho's Day parade founder, Felix, in his 1970's vintage polyester green leisure suit!

Location: Napa Auto Parts Parking Lot, 2000 12th Street
Times: Noon

Contact Information:
email: UrhoFinn@aol.com
phone: 541-386-5785

Saints celebrating feast days today include Saint Julian of Antioch, Saint Abraham Kidunia, Saint Finnian Lobhar, Saint Eusebia, Saint Gregory Makar, and Saint Heribert.

Happy Birthdays
Not Celebrating:

Still Celebrating: Bernardo Bertolucci (1941, Parma, Italy), Jerry Lewis (1925, Newark), and Chuck Woolery (1942, Ashland, KY).

And, from IMDB...the complete list of celebrating stars.

Onward to March 17
Back to March 15
Back to the Farm

Marilyn Jones 2001-2008