Goatview Farm - The Saint Report www.goatview.com

May 12
Yogi Berra
and the Goatview Dating Questionnaire
and FAQs
(plus a few other essays on love)

The Goatview Dating Questionnaire
and FAQs


Briefly, what we are looking for here is a suitable mate for a lively 56-year-old woman who has spent a lifetime becoming less and less mainstream until she truly believes that she is made more marketable by having the ability to castrate calves and make lard from her own pig. A sense of humor in any candidate is of the utmost importance since, as she puts it, "this will be the man with whom I share my Metamucil for the rest of my life (or portion thereof); if I can't laugh at him, who can I laugh at?"

(Note:   Since writing this, there have been some changes made. There are no calves and no pigs.)





1. I have had more than three wives.  

 2.  My ex-wife is my best friend and I
       know her phone number by

3.  I have a gluten allergy.                                                                    

4.  I believe that dogs should live outdoors.                          

5.  Rush Limbaugh is probably the smartest man               
      in the country, next to President Bush.

6.  I believe a restraining order is simply a sign
      that one was very committed to having a lasting                          

7.   My choice of restaurant is determined by portion size.                

8.   I have/want hair plug

9.   My favorite movie was "Titanic."                                                     

10. I have a large extended family and most of them live nearby.    


Please use the space below to explain any answers you think need explaining:

Goatview FAQ's:

Q:   Don't you think it is unwise to put the word "castrate" in a personals ad?

A:   Not at all!  You are thinking of "castrate" in the negative sense.

Q:   You've never been married. Is there something wrong with you?

A:    Heavens no!  I am perfect.

Q:    Is this for real?

A:    More or less. The desire for a nice new man of my own is tempered by the         realization that I  have  never  been as  miserable without a man as I have been         with the wrong man.

Q:    Why won't you date conservatives?

A:     I have dated conservatives, albeit by accident. Unfortunately, they look very          much like  everyone  else, sort of like Canadians, so you need to be alert.

Q:    You realize, don't you, that an ad like this is going to put off  a lot of very nice men         who won't understand your sense of humor.

A:    And your point is?

    Goatview Farm, Home of the Saint Report



Now I sit back and wait for the responses. Or, as Yogi Berra once  said, "if people
don't want to come to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?" I feel like a person with a rodent problem who has just set a whole string of traps using rocks for bait, but hey, if there are enough rodents...
The Personals (Another Look)
They say that people who are discontent with the single life should check out the internet personals. Skulking around here yesterday wishing I had someone to blame stuff on, I turned to the computer and immediately found an ad from a guy who listed "gravitas" as one of his desired qualities in a potential mate. Gravitas??? I just learned this word; it was a favorite during this ;ast presidential race because Dubya ain't got any. It means "high seriousness" and while this is something important in a head of state, it is the last thing I am looking for in the man with whom I hope to be sharing my Metamucil for the rest of my life.

More notables:

I'm a married male looking to fill the void in my life

Before you do that, try filling the void between your ears.

Looking for friendship that could blossom into love that makes the heart leap with a beat.

This is the kind of incurable romantic stuff that makes me snort milk out of my nose.

Erotic Bondage

Not in this life.

I have many interest, camping, boating, golf, pool, darts, and as you can tell I like the outdoors. I'm not rich, but I'm a hard worker, and I seam to do all the thing I want to. I'm looking for an attractive, confident, and secure Lady, with a small build. I'm not Into large or a little over weight women.


I am retired after thirty years in the Air Force and I'm presently working on the interior of my new construction here on the bay.

Let's see...and the likelihood that this man is seeking a 54-year-old bleeding-heart-liberal feminist with three enthusiastic dogs is....

I am a semi-vegetarian

And me with a freezerful of ex-pets.

panic attacks

Thanks for the warning.

Where is June Cleaver?

Probably eternally exchanging recipes with Donna Reed. Sheesh.

I plan on returning to France in 2003 and complete the Paris-Brest-Paris bicycle race

Hahahahahahaha. I plan to still be able to put my socks on without help in 2010.

Do you wonder at where you have been,the infinite journeys that have led you to this moment in time

Not often and not for long.

My spirit guide said

Uh huh.

I am an avid golfer

Another timely warning.

Been told I`m like Bruce Willis

While I am slightly curious what this guy means by that, I am going to pass.



Im the Tim Taylor type

He thinks this is a good thing.



Animal Rights

See semi-vegetarian above.

looking for an attractive woman with "Class"

I have been accused of many things, but having class was not one of them. Having class was one of those things, like childbirth and facial tattoos, that I felt would preclude other more interesting life events. Like having goats.

I happily turned off the computer and went outside to do my chores. The people who say these internet personals are just the ticket for women who are missing male companionship are sure right.


Appreciating My Own Company

These are excerpts from this week's Yahoo personals ads for non-smoking men between 50 and 66 within 100 miles of Bisbee:

"I am an artist, like to write, hike, walk on the beach..." That inane walk-on-the-beach line takes on special inanity when you are about 600 miles from the closest one.

"I have two boys that stay with me 1/2 the time age 11 & 13."

"I am a member of the Tombstone Vigilantes..."

"I am Ahmed the devout..."

"Southern Gent Needs Lady on Pedestal"

"...finding that special woman isn't easy when you live 60 miles from the nearest town..."

"I was married to my high school sweetheart for twentyfive years when she asked for a divorce. I was crushed."

"Are you looking for some quality male company on an occassional basis?"

"Very Conservative"

"I have two boys in middle school..."


"I ride a big fat black Harley and spend some time at the range honing my competitive shooting skills."

"I like reading, computer, theater etch etch."

Guess I am safe for another week or two. Have to run now...going to the gym, to weaving class, the museum, etch etch.


Too Late to Mate?

I just realized that my laughing in the face of adversity, great resilience, ability to innovate and make do, knowing exactly how to get just about anything out of a rug, and having an eye for telling a sick goat from a well goat--qualities I prize in myself--are not admirable at all and are merely symptomatic of a life run amok. Sort of like having more than one flashlight or all the different sizes of Bandaids. They are certainly not the qualities that even the exceptional man I want has on his must-have list.

Any man I attract with that stuff is probably in as bad shape as I am or is planning on a long stint with the Peace Corps. If that's all I am offering a relationship, I may as well forget it. Fifty+ is probably too old to be making this sort of change anyway.


Things it Would Have Been Better
if I Had Found a Significant Other Before

Before I had more than two dogs
Before I regularly slept with more than two dogs
Before I got a cow
Before I knew how to change my own oil
Before the people at the plumbing supply place knew me by name
Before I learned to like sleeping in a sweatsuit
Before anyone introduced me as the goatwoman

Some friends and I were discussing ways of meeting men and one woman said that she had met a nice man by parking her BMW next to his Audi and then saying something clever like the cars could now talk German to each other. The last thing I would do if I were trying to impress a stranger is park any vehicle I have ever owned anywhere it could be connected to me. If cars make statments about their owners, then the statement my cars could all make about me is "doesn't give a rat's ass."

Another way that was mentioned was walking the dog, which is fine I suppose if you own the kind of dog anyone would admire or want the kind of man a dog would pick for you. My dogs would favor men who are 3 feet tall, dress in untanned raw animal hides, smell like a dead seagull, and drop copious amounts of food out of their mouths when they eat, which the dogs would like them to be doing constantly. There may be dogs who actually are good judges of character, but mine have all been far too democratic to be trusted with any screening task.

Anyway, there are lots of worse things than remaining single, not the least of which is being not single with the wrong man.

Once I told a woman who asked me why I had never married that, if I were to marry, I would want two things: first, my workload shouldn't instantly increase because of the relationship--that I had enough to do carrying my own weight (which I would happily continue to do) without carrying someone else's, too--and second, I had to feel that my life was better because the man was in it.

"Well," she huffed, "if you are going to be THAT picky, no WONDER you're still single."



The Personals

This is the third personals ad I have run on the internet and the first that included a photograph. The ad has been running 36 hours now and the response has been underwhelming at best. Five men (and I have only their word on even that much) have contacted me, hopefully for the last time.

ISO brilliant, healthy man 50+

Two of the responses were from men born in the 1970's, though I clearly specified that I preferred men my own age. "I am sure you are very nice, but I like men who are my own age," I told the first one after ascertaining that he was indeed responding to the ad and not, perhaps, seeking advise regarding dairy cows. "Why?" he replied. I hit the cancel button. A moment later a new screen appeared, "But I like old ladies." I hit the cancel button again. Twirp.

The second one had a bit more class than the first, but was still 30 years too young. I guess a side-effect of the women's liberation movement and the two-income economy is that little boys are getting weaned too damned early.

Two of the remaining three contacts reminded me of an old joke. Two guys are in a bar, one gets up and walks over to a pretty woman, whispers something in her ear, she slaps him silly and stomps out. He goes back and sits down with his friend. A little later another attractive female appears, the guy gets up, walks over and whispers something in her ear, she slaps him silly and stomps out. Now the guy's friend is really curious.

"What are you saying to those ladies that makes them so mad?" he asked.

"Oh, I just ask them if they want to go out to the car and have sex," his friend answered.

"My God!" his friend exclaimed, "You must get slapped an awful lot!"

"Sure I do," the guy replied, "but sometimes I have sex."

There is nothing in my profile on AOL, nothing in the advertisement, and nothing that I can see in the photo that indicates I am That Sort of Girl. But I guess if you ask enough women...

One of the guys seemed perfectly normal until he asked me to describe myself physically. Hmmmm. Describe myself physically. It's a photo ad. At the risk of being rude to a blind man, I typed "I don't like you already" and hit cancel.

The final applicant could not type English.

In my ad I specified that potential applicants should not have had a history of involuntary committments, restraining orders, or drug abuse. Maybe I am just being too picky.


Saints celebrating feast days on May 12 include Domitilla, Achilleus, Nereus, Pancras, Epiphanius, Modoald, Germanus, Dominic of the Causeway, and Rictrudis.


Born on May 12: Edward Lear (1812), Florence Nightingale (in Florence, Italy, 1820), Yogi Berra (1925), and George Carlin (1937).

Elizabeth Taylor married for the fourth time on this date in 1959...the groom was Eddie Fisher.

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© Marilyn Jones 2000-2008